Days following the start of the new millennium, I was elated to find I was pregnant again. I was determined to be the perfect incubator for this tiny human whom I loved more than life. I would only eat and drink healthy things. I, without hesitation, gave up anything I thought could potentially harm this precious baby. I was sick very often. I spent nights in the hospital from vomiting so much, and as I approached 3 months I had lost weight. Still, I would do anything to keep this little person growing. On an early morning in May, the day I was anticipating seeing my brother Mark graduate from the University of Maine, I woke with a warm, wet sensation between my legs. Instinctively, knowing something was wrong, I reached down to touch the warmth with my hand, and saw the wine colored stain on my fingertips. I don't know if I had ever moved so quickly in my entire life. In mere moments, my husband at the time, was driving our little white Ford Aspire, a two-door bubble on wheels, as fast as he could to the emergency department. I laid my seat back as far as it could go, and propped my feet on the dashboard hoping gravity would play its part of keeping this baby inside of me. During that drive, I prayed the most earnest prayer I had ever prayed in my life. I said to God that if he gave me this baby, I would do everything I could to make sure that the baby lived for Him, I would know that the baby was His and would bring Him glory. I pleaded with God to bless me with this child and in return I would make sure this child knew who it's Father (the Lord) was and how to love and honor Him. The Lord's answer was yes, and 10 weeks later, although still 10 weeks early, he blessed our lives with a baby girl, and we named her Rachel.
Rachel came home from the hospital in August of 2000. Three weeks after she was born and 7 weeks before her actual due date. She was the strongest, and most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. I remembered my promise to God, but didn't know where to begin. Rachel's dad was not the 'church going' type, and I had fallen away from the body of Christ years ago. We divorced before Rachel was 3 years old, and shared her in what people call a 50/50 split. For awhile, it was a week with him and a week with me. Then school started. He had moved to the Auburn area. I kept her during the school week and he had her weekends and school vacations. We alternated school years some, and in that time, I found my way back to God and back to the church. As she approached her middle school years, I understood that most people thought I should be the primary 'school' parent. However, I knew how important it was for me to introduce her to God, His love, and His salvation. I knew that her dad and stepmother were capable of handling her education, and I knew I needed to help her on her spiritual walk with our Heavenly Father.
I would continuously pray for Rachel when she was not home. I would pray the she could feel the Holy Spirit, that she would listen to His guidance. I would pray that she could feel my love for her and how much I wanted to be with her. Summers were wonderful as I got to spend so much time with her, throughout the week and on the weekends, but it seemed to end entirely too fast. School came and once again, I went back to seeing her only on weekends, knowing how important it was for her to experience church, to build friendships and relationships in the church, and that she have the special time with God. The wonderful thing, is she not only understood, but wanted to go to church. She enjoyed the arrangement we had, and welcomed the opportunity to have youth group with youth her age. Everything was going at a pace we all felt comfortable, secure, and content with. Then it happened...
On a Wednesday in the crisp fall of 2012, I received a text from Rachel's dad that we needed to sit and talk. This came as a worrisome shock to me, as he and I rarely talked about anything unless it was serious. Most of the things we wanted to know could come right from Rachel, or I would talk to her stepmother. After our difficulties getting along, it just seemed to work better for us this way. I knew this had to be serious, and my overwhelming feeling was that they were going to be moving far away. There was a possibility Rachel would be leaving me, too.
I prayed and prayed and prayed. On October 17, I wrote in my journal "I'm trusting God to always care for Rachel. I promised her to him. She belongs to God. I pray that I am doing the right things with her to help her become closer to him. I love her so much and am so thankful for her. I pray that she follows Gods plan for her, and God, I pray that you show me what I need to do, as her mother, to help her follow your plan as best I can".
On Friday morning, the morning of our 'meeting' I went to the scripture looking for hope and guidance. I have many Bible translations, and that day I was reading in the NLT translation. It didn't occur to me that I didn't ask in prayer for God to be with me in this time with the scripture until after I dove in and saw what He wanted me to see. I was confused by the scriptures that spoke to me. As I was reading in Isaiah, there were two verses that God wanted me to really focus on were 49:13 and 49:18.
In the New Living Translation, Isaiah 49:13 states Sing for joy, O heavens! Rejoice, O earth! Burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord has comforted his people and will have compassion on them in their suffering. Having entered into scripture, without prayerfully asking for the Lord's help, my mind was a complete mess and all I really noticed was "will have compassion on them in their suffering." After I read this, I felt the Lord was preparing me for the suffering to come should Rachel leave.
I continued reading when the Lord pressed upon me to focus on Isaiah 49:18 which began Look around you and see, for all your children will come back to you. Again, having the wrong focus, I feared that God was preparing me for her to leave, telling me that she will come back. What happened next was clearly the spirit telling me I was not taking this in the right context.
I immediately sought out my sisters in Christ, trying to post a message to them telling them what I read and how it made me feel. After composing this long post in Facebook, my computer froze, restarted, and I had lost it all. I typed it over again, and in my rush (or by God's hand) slightly moved my thumb the wrong way at the same time pushing the wrong button, resulting in my erasing what I had so eagerly wanted to share. Frustrated, I slammed my computer shut, I was running late, but wanted to highlight those scriptures to share them and my feelings regarding them as soon as I could....I grabbed my scripture pencil only to find the lead was broken deep inside the wood. It was then that it was clear to me that something was wrong with what I had read, or how I was interpreting what God was set on telling me.
As I was exiting my home, I sent a text to a couple of wonderful, trusted members of our church, asking if I should go to scripture in search of answers without praying for God to be with me in this search, could Satan misguide me? I received a few amazing answers, putting my soul at ease. I was told to remember how Satan misquoted scripture to tempt Jesus. I was told that if I entered scripture just using my own understanding, I could be susceptible to the enemy invading my thoughts. I was told that if the Lord wants you to see a particular scripture it will come alive to you as you read it and resonate in your spirit. I knew those scriptures were exactly what God wanted me to see, I just didn't see them the way he wanted me to....yet.
I arrived in Augusta, and easily distracted myself with lunch with my mother until 3:30 came around. Rachel and her father arrived right on time. We sat in the living room as he proceeded to tell me what I had feared. They were moving...far away...to Wyoming. At the of the conversation, it was made clear that my responsibility would be to decide where Rachel would be spending her school months, including weekends, and where should would be spending her summer vacations.
I spent the ride home talking with Rachel, who by the time we reached Bangor, clearly determined she wanted to spend her schooling months in Bangor with me. Before making a decision, I did as I promised her father and thought carefully about the decision. I prayed. It was clear what God was telling me. He was compassionate in my suffering. He saw me working hard to fulfill the promise I made that May morning in 2000. He was fulfilling His promise, and returning the daughter I birthed home to me.
Rachel's father and his family left the end of November is 2012. We have adjusted to this new schedule and we are all loving life. Although I know things are always changing, I know that the enemy tries to discourage me when I am doing the right things, and I know to always expect the unexpected, I also know that my Jesus, my God, is bigger and stronger than anything the enemy can do. The Lord will have compassion in my suffering. My children will return to me. Praise God, for He is so good!
In the New Living Translation, Isaiah 49:13 states Sing for joy, O heavens! Rejoice, O earth! Burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord has comforted his people and will have compassion on them in their suffering. Having entered into scripture, without prayerfully asking for the Lord's help, my mind was a complete mess and all I really noticed was "will have compassion on them in their suffering." After I read this, I felt the Lord was preparing me for the suffering to come should Rachel leave.
I continued reading when the Lord pressed upon me to focus on Isaiah 49:18 which began Look around you and see, for all your children will come back to you. Again, having the wrong focus, I feared that God was preparing me for her to leave, telling me that she will come back. What happened next was clearly the spirit telling me I was not taking this in the right context.
I immediately sought out my sisters in Christ, trying to post a message to them telling them what I read and how it made me feel. After composing this long post in Facebook, my computer froze, restarted, and I had lost it all. I typed it over again, and in my rush (or by God's hand) slightly moved my thumb the wrong way at the same time pushing the wrong button, resulting in my erasing what I had so eagerly wanted to share. Frustrated, I slammed my computer shut, I was running late, but wanted to highlight those scriptures to share them and my feelings regarding them as soon as I could....I grabbed my scripture pencil only to find the lead was broken deep inside the wood. It was then that it was clear to me that something was wrong with what I had read, or how I was interpreting what God was set on telling me.
As I was exiting my home, I sent a text to a couple of wonderful, trusted members of our church, asking if I should go to scripture in search of answers without praying for God to be with me in this search, could Satan misguide me? I received a few amazing answers, putting my soul at ease. I was told to remember how Satan misquoted scripture to tempt Jesus. I was told that if I entered scripture just using my own understanding, I could be susceptible to the enemy invading my thoughts. I was told that if the Lord wants you to see a particular scripture it will come alive to you as you read it and resonate in your spirit. I knew those scriptures were exactly what God wanted me to see, I just didn't see them the way he wanted me to....yet.
I arrived in Augusta, and easily distracted myself with lunch with my mother until 3:30 came around. Rachel and her father arrived right on time. We sat in the living room as he proceeded to tell me what I had feared. They were moving...far away...to Wyoming. At the of the conversation, it was made clear that my responsibility would be to decide where Rachel would be spending her school months, including weekends, and where should would be spending her summer vacations.
I spent the ride home talking with Rachel, who by the time we reached Bangor, clearly determined she wanted to spend her schooling months in Bangor with me. Before making a decision, I did as I promised her father and thought carefully about the decision. I prayed. It was clear what God was telling me. He was compassionate in my suffering. He saw me working hard to fulfill the promise I made that May morning in 2000. He was fulfilling His promise, and returning the daughter I birthed home to me.
Rachel's father and his family left the end of November is 2012. We have adjusted to this new schedule and we are all loving life. Although I know things are always changing, I know that the enemy tries to discourage me when I am doing the right things, and I know to always expect the unexpected, I also know that my Jesus, my God, is bigger and stronger than anything the enemy can do. The Lord will have compassion in my suffering. My children will return to me. Praise God, for He is so good!
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